by No matter how many books about children you read, expectations and reality may not match.
What is the problem anyway?
Just over a hundred years ago, the question of being ready for a child was not an issue. Its appearance was a natural consequence of sex. In fact, there were not many alternatives to the scenario of “grew up, got married, had children.” Therefore, most people did not think about this topic, but simply gave birth. And not always willingly – we know this, for example, from books.
Olga Semenova-Tyan-Shanskaya
“The Life of “Ivan”: Essays on the Life of Peasants in One of the Black Earth Provinces”
The first is still expected more or less joyfully. The father, of course, is expecting a son. <…> For the mother, it is more or less indifferent who her first child will be. The father is completely indifferent to his daughter. Incidentally, he shows the same attitude to the second and third sons. Mothers usually begin to feel burdened by the third child. If a woman begins to give birth often, then the family, of course, disapproves of this, sometimes not hesitating to make rude remarks about it.
In the 20th century, effective contraception appeared and abortions were legalized. As a result, there were fewer children, and their value increased. Thanks to the popularization of psychology, people began to understand that a child cannot grow like grass. Parents must not only satisfy his physical needs, but also invest in education, development, and upbringing. And this takes a lot of time, effort, and money.
As a result, by the end of the 20th century, the issue of readiness for the birth of a child became relevant. People wonder whether they want to change their usual life and whether they have the resources to raise a happy, psychologically healthy person. Sometimes the torment is so strong that it forces them to postpone parenthood. And sometimes they realize that they were not ready after the birth of the child .
Natalia Khorobrykh
Mother of two children.
I gave birth to my first child at 22 and I was definitely not ready for it. I felt like he was in the way, limiting my freedom, that I wouldn’t achieve anything in life because of him. He irritated me for the most part. I couldn’t bring my emotional state into harmony. It seemed to me that he was to blame for everything that didn’t happen in my life. That I sacrificed myself and did a lot for him, and he didn’t appreciate it. I lacked both knowledge and wisdom.
And then at some point I realized that he had grown up and I was no authority for him. After his reproach, “You are a bad mother,” I calmed down and honestly told myself, “Yes, you are a bad mother, but you will not be tormented by this – it is what it is.” I stopped sacrificing myself, while allowing my son to make his own choices and make his first life mistakes. Our relationship became friendly and remains so.
But as the eldest grew up, I really wanted another child. I gave birth to him at 38 and became more confident, calmer. I felt ready for conscious motherhood when I realized that I wanted a child not for myself, not so that he would realize my dreams or justify my expectations. There were no thoughts about a glass of water or about help in old age. There was simply a desire to give a new life and my reserves of love.
This seems like a mature decision to me. To treat a child as an individual, not as your property. Not to interfere with him growing up as he is. Only by your own example can you show how to be happy. I even moved my work mostly online to spend more time with him. He doesn’t stress me out, doesn’t tire me out, makes me happy. I don’t strive to be an ideal mother, I help him be himself.
Can a person be sure that he is ready for children?
The answer to this question depends on what you mean by readiness. If you want to approach the birth of a child fully armed, know and be able to do everything, lay out straws everywhere where you can fall, then such a moment will never come. Parenthood is simply a unique experience. Even mothers and fathers of many children face new challenges when the next child is born. Because all children are different – with their own character, reaction to the world around them, health condition.
Even if you reread all the educational books in the world, your child will surprise you more than once as he grows up, including pleasantly. No matter how savvy you are, there will still be many blind spots. You won’t be able to control everything. Therefore, it’s better not to set yourself up for a certain parenting scenario and prepare for global changes. They will definitely happen!
If we mean readiness for children only as an internal feeling, then it is certainly possible. But sometimes doubts and fears prevent us from fully realizing it. To do this, we need to look a little deeper into ourselves.
How to Know if You’re Ready to Have a Baby
To sort out doubts, reproductive psychologist Olga Kaver recommends a simple method. Write down on a piece of paper the adjectives that describe you. Take a break. Then make a list of adjectives that characterize a good mother or father for you. And then compare the lists. How many points match? How many qualities of a good parent do you already have?
This method does not give unambiguous verdicts, but it does give food for thought and helps to understand how much you correspond to the image of a parent you have created. There simply cannot be a clear answer here, because there is no “ready – not ready” switch.
Another method is an exercise in fantasy. Take two chairs: one is life with a child , the other is without one. Place them at a distance from each other. Sit on the first chair, think about your possible child and listen to your body. Have your sensations changed? Do you feel lighter or heavier? Are you tense or relaxed? Write down everything you felt. Then stand up and take a few deep breaths. Then sit on the second chair and also listen to yourself. Now stand up and see which chair you felt more comfortable on.
Olga Cover
Reproductive psychologist.
The body never deceives us. If you feel more comfortable in a situation “without a child”, then perhaps you are not ready yet. But if you want, you can work on this, in particular with a psychologist.
As for fears , you need to deal with them in the same way as with concerns from other areas. Namely, look each of them in the eye, look for the roots and think whether it is possible to somehow change the situation to eliminate them.
Let’s say a person is afraid that he will be a cruel parent because he himself was mistreated as a child. But a repeat of the scenario is not at all necessary. It cannot be verified in theory. But in the future, you can monitor your behavior and, if necessary, consult a psychologist.
Or, say, a couple lives in a tiny studio apartment and is afraid that there simply won’t be enough room for them and their child. This is a question of money, not psychology, but fear remains fear. If this is the only concern, it is worth translating everything into a practical plane and looking for a solution to the problem. You can postpone pregnancy until you buy a bigger apartment. Or, on the contrary, give birth and develop a plan to increase living space. Or choose some third option – only the person can decide for themselves if they come face to face with their fears.
But there are other reasons. For example, someone values their current life and is afraid that it will change with the birth of a child. And this will certainly happen. Therefore, it is probably better to wait with children. Moreover, never being ready and not having children is also a normal life scenario.
What else is worth considering?
Real parenting is not the same as the stereotypical one
Sometimes people find that they are not ready to become a mother and father because they have fallen for the popular stereotypes. Parenthood seems to be exclusively happiness. In their fantasies, the family, holding hands, runs along the green grass and laughs, no one knows who throws each bunny a lawn, and there are no problems. In reality, it is a mix of happiness, tenderness, pride, tears, lack of sleep, postpartum depression . And caring for a child is, first of all, a routine that takes a lot of time. The more future parents are ready for this situation, the more their expectations and reality will coincide.
Not all reasons to become a parent are good.
A child is a separate person with their own path in life. The task of parents is to help find it. And therefore, giving birth for the sake of the proverbial glass of water in old age or to realize your ambitions is not the best idea . Here again, the contrast between expectations and reality comes into play. If the child does not act according to your scenario, you risk being unhappy and making him unhappy.
It’s even worse if you don’t feel like becoming a parent, but you decide to do so because you want to keep your partner or make future grandparents happy.
It’s a completely different matter if you feel that you are ready to give love and care to another person, to change your life. And for the sake of this, you can survive a lack of sleep, a decrease in income during maternity leave , a lot of anxiety and other difficulties.
It is not necessary to be prepared
Of course, it’s great to approach the birth of a child consciously. But if pregnancy caught you by surprise, it doesn’t mean that you’ll be a bad mom or dad and raise the child in some way. Parenting is a long process. You’ll definitely make more than one mistake along the way, which is completely normal. Be there, love, help, and everything will work out for you.
